No Lights
by huggablelove
Summary: As I watched you fall into oblivion, just beyond my grasp, I felt myself break. I had wronged you, oh so badly. I hadn't noticed all the signs, how you were changing into someone else, someone I'd never known, because you'd been living a lie. Oneshot.


As I watched you fall into oblivion, just beyond my grasp, I felt myself break. I had wronged you, oh so badly. I hadn't noticed all the signs, how you were changing into someone else, someone I'd never known, because you'd been living a lie. Oh brother, if I had of known, I would have done things different, so different. You let go because you didn't feel loved: I could see it in your eyes. It broke me, I'd never loved anyone more than you. You were and still are my brother, no matter the fact that we weren't and aren't bound by blood, but by memories.

I kept my gaze fixed on your eyes, desperate and frightened, longing and sorrowful, as you fell from the Bifrost, just beyond my grasp. All my strength couldn't have done a thing then. It couldn't have stopped you from falling: only love could've done that. I saw the light fade in your eyes, your innocent, playful streak disappearing, and it killed me to see you so desperate in your last moments. I just wished I could've done things differently, stopped you from doing this to yourself, driving yourself to extremes, just in desire to receive the love we already gave to you. But the lies and revelations overshadowed it all, and I hated myself for my role in your death.

As I got up, I stood up, and remembered how you were just beyond my grasp. That painful memory lingers in my mind's eye still: it refuses to leave me, and the weight on my shoulders, all the guilt, has never lightened or relented, only continued pushing down on me. I felt the warmth of something I hadn't felt in years: tears. How sick and twisted could nature be, to taunt me with the comfort of warmth in such a sad and desperate emotion? And then I thought, how sick and twisted could nature be to take my brother from me? Such a beautiful person, and you had so much potential, brother. That was all I could think of for the days on end. How nature had stolen you from me, how fate had taken your life, I was constantly trying to find something to blame, but in the end, I always blamed myself. There was never anyone else to blame. Only me. I didn't show you how much you meant to me. Always the big brother, blocking out your light with the desire for mine to shine brighter. All I cared for then was the throne, to be the rightful king, and yet I wished for you back more than anything, and cared little for the throne or what it entails. All because of my pathetic desire to initiate war with the Frost Giants, I may as well have pushed you off the Bifrost. I wasn't there when you needed me most, and I hate myself so much for it.

As the months passed by, I pretended to be alright, but the thought of you never left my mind, how you were just beyond my grasp. I never stopped wishing things had only been different, how we should've had our situations swapped, how I should've fell, not you. You were so innocent, so pure, and all you wanted was love. I relived the painful memory every night; it came to me in my sanctuary of sleep, haunting me as a nightmare. The way you opened your hand, letting go of all you had left to hold onto. And your face, the way you looked at me as you fell. The pain on your face wrote itself into my mind. I could never forget the complete and utter look of desperation as you fell, how your eyes were brimming with tears. Those bright, bright eyes, and there was nothing left in them of you. Just complete fear. No light whatsoever. It broke my heart to see you so, and I saw you every night, slipping into space.

Now you stand before me, but it's not you, and you're just beyond my grasp. The real you. It's hidden under so many layers of pain, and torment, and it hurts me more than ever. Because it is my fault you became who you are now. It is my fault you are broken so, for not being there when you needed me, for not being a big brother, and protecting you from everything. Because now I have yet another memory to haunt me at night; and the guilt presses down on me more than ever. Because no-one else is to blame, just me. There was only ever me to blame, and now your innocence is gone. I can see it in your eyes. No light. You aren't there anymore. Just the pain and misery I caused, the burning desire to be equal. You are somewhere buried deep below all that, the emotional and physical trauma. And I'm scared. Oh so scared that I'll never be able to find you, brother, that I'll never be able to bring you back.

So yes, I did mourn.

**If you have any requests, or constructive criticism, please do say. If you would like to see more of my small oneshots, you can find them here, as I don't post them all to **: **.com/**


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